(im)perfect quest for love

Hilarious and flawed stories about my personal dating life

I am not sure where to start, there is almost too much to share about Fifty Shades of Gray, none are positive. 

Yes, the book has sold over 100 million copies and is one of the most purchased books in history. Admittedly, I didn’t get very far. And no, it wasn’t the content – I can appreciate good erotica. But see how I used the word good there? As much as I wanted to like it, Fifty Shades of Gray  just wasn’t doing it for me.

I stopped reading Fifty Shades of Gray at page 287 Chapter 9, and no, I have not read any sequels Why, well I have never in my life read a book that is so poorly written and this comes from a woman that has dyslexia. Ok where to start?

NB! This post contains spoilers. Please, stop reading if you intend to immerse yourself with bullcrap and astonishingly unrealistic sex scenes.  

1. The writing style is quite possibly the worst I have ever encountered

Where to start? The books represent a laughably unrealistic viewpoint of what kink/BDSM relationships look like.Doing a kindle word search, Anastasia Steel (the main female character) blushes, flushes more than 125 times. The author uses various bizar words to describe her embarrassment or shyness by for example, turning scarlet, crimson and best of al stars and stripes red.  Anastasia also has other key facial expressions most notably: Bites her lips 35 times and raises eyebrows over 56 times. Wow I would say she is doing some pretty heavy yoga exercises with her face…  

2. The main characters themselves

Christian Grey 

Christian, a selfmade billionaire at the young age of 26. What the heck? I would accept if he was a millionaire, perhaps from playing poker or online gaming… but no, he is a BILIONAIRE. Also, he has a pilot license, can play the piano, is adopted and calls his biological mother a “crack whore”. Christians appearance is described as tall, lean yet muscular, and broad-shouldered, with dark copper-colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes. He keeps in shape by kickboxing, running, and having sex. His long index finger is also frequently mentioned. Some research suggest that a long index finger reveals the amount of male hormones, mainly testosterone, a person is exposed to in the womb. Perhaps, this is what the author is subconsciously referring to.

Christian Gray

As quoted by Anastasia, “He is not merely good looking – he is the epitome of male beauty. Again, epitome what kind of word is that? I did a google search and apparently it means “a person or thing that is a perfect example of a particular quality or type”. Ok, so that did not give me much clarity.Christian Grey has 50 shades of a sadistic character flaw to sexually possess, control, dominate, and debase women. His character takes thins a bit too far. Anastasia refers his superior “stalking” abilities repeatedly

Christian Grey has 50 shades of a sadistic character flaw to sexually possess, control, dominate, and debase women. His character takes thins a bit too far. Anastasia refers his superior “stalking” abilities repeatedly

If Christian Grey had no money and no looks, I’m sure, that this would be a domestic violence story.

Anastasia Steele aka Ana, Miss Steele and her inner goddess

Anastasia Steele

Anastasia is a 21 year old virgin that have never experienced an orgasm or touched her own vagina. She’s supposed to be a great reader with a particular fondness for ‘classic’ literature – which really only means the 19th century novels with great romantic heroines. Ana is raised by a her mother’s second husband Ray. Ray taught Ana several practical skills, including self-defense, gun safety, and using tools. She is also described has having limited fashion sense and usually wears jeans, and only owns one skirt at the start of the book. Apparently Christian Gray is amazed by her skin which states as: ”You have the most beautiful skin, pale and flawless. I want to kiss every single inch of it.” There’s not a mark on her. The thought is unsettling. I want to see her marked … pink … with tiny, thin welts from a crop maybe.

In addition Ana has one other element of her personality the compartmentalization of various bits of her mind into her ‘inner goddess’ and her ‘subconscious’. Ana’s ‘inner goddess’ is supposed to be the representation of all her suppressed desires, but is basically just a hyperactive idiot with too many weird statements. For instance, my inner goddess has stopped dancing ad is staring, too, open/mouthed and drooling slightly. Ana’s ‘inner goddess’ is basically the personification of a female version of Donald Trump with less self-confidence or Marge Simpson making noise.

3. The Sex Scenes are perhaps the most entertaining

– Getting an orgasm by nipple twisting

How do you make yourself come? I want to see.” I shake my head.
“I don’t,” I mumble. He raises his eyebrows, astonished for a moment, and his eyes darken, and he shakes his head in disbelief.
“Well, we’ll have to see what we can do about that.” […] His lips close around my other nipple and when he tugs, I nearly convulse.
“Let’s see if we can make you come like this,” he whispers, continuing his slow, sensual assault. My nipples bear the delicious brunt of his deft fingers and lips, setting alight every single nerve ending so that my whole body sings with the sweet agony. […] Holy hell, what’s happening to me?

– Anastasia has Sex and Loses Her Virginity

She describes being turned on by: “The muscles inside the deepest, darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashion.”. This has too has to be the sexiest description possible of the physiological changes undergone in anticipation of penetrative sexual activity. Or what? The scene continues with Anastasia seeing Christians penis for the first time. Which is depicted by: “Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow…” […] He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no..Will it? How?. “Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine. “You will expand, too”. Christian then murmurs “I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard” he whispers, and he slams into me […] Anastasia actually reaches orgasm by Christian banging into her. Her climax is described as splintering into a million pieces while he empties himself.

Again I was speechless when i read this… An orgasm by slamming penetration the first time, I have never ever heard that of happening. Yet, her deepest part of her clench and his penis is of considerable length so perhaps it is possible. Who knows?

– The First Tantalizing Oral Sex / Blowjob

Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp. My mouth drops open.
“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body.”…. A low groan escapes from deep within his throat. Fuck my mouth…hmmm.[…] Anastasia then proceeded to place her lips around him and tentatively suck, while thinking “hmm… he’s hard and soft at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty – salty and smooth”.[…] She then advances to deep throat him with various tongue swirls.

The scene unfolds to flesh out the books best developed character: Christian Grey’s penis. As quoted by Anastasia “He’s my very own Christian-Grey flavored Popsicle.”[…] Christian ejaculates and she swallows quickly.

WOW….This is actually were I stopped reading Fifty Shades of Gray. Let’s face it giving a guy a blowjob and being able deep throat at the first try is simply delusive. Specially, if you consider that Christian Gray has been sexually active since his early teens.

Personal Refections

What troubles me most about Fifty Shades of Grey is the malignant characters of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey and how it produces a prototype of gender relations (sadomasochism). I’ve been in contact with several individuals and quite frankly been in longterm relationship that was abusive. Women like Ana Steele rarely leave such relationships mentally and physically unharmed. In fact, most are so emotionally wounded that they are unable to trust that healthy love can exist. All that being said, the extraordinary popularity that Fifty Shades of Gray has created may be more a subconscious expression of culture’s anxiety about women’s sexual and social freedom than it is a romantic tale of a woman’s exploration of sexual desire. The fantasy of being controlled and dominated by a man suggests, at the least, that psychological conflicts around that of sexual domination and freedom exists.

Yet, I do have to give some credit to Fifty Shades of Gray and sequels have from my own observation changed how we discuss sex and erotica. It is no longer a taboo to openly convey our sexual desires. I’m an advocate of empowering women to embrace and explore their sexuality. Through these romances, we can live out our fantasies or find inspiration to reenact scenes in our own bedroom. More sex equals happier women.


Finally, IF with a big F men such as Christian Grey are real and do exist. And I don’t say this to boast that I know them… I’m saying this to disperse the idea that someone can’t be super attractive, play the piano, navigate a plane, successful to the point of being a billionaire and emotionally intelligent at a young age… or at any age. Please share! I would love to know more about that male fabled creature…

If you are interested in books that are are better written and include hot erotic scenes and plots. Read the post were I have listed 11 books that encompass a lot of erotica.

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