(im)perfect quest for love

It’s not like I woke up one day and said, “I need to wake women up to what’s going on in their relationships, and then I’m going to the drink a glass of wine to applaud myself.” I really had no idea that it was not just me, but many women were spending so much time obsessing over men (note, most my friends are in long/term happy relationships) And I don’t mean that in a negative way. I am by no means a relationship expert, which would be hilarious, because if you have read some of my post on dating experiences and my past not so awesome relationships and the fact that I am single. The truth is, I have a lot of thoughts, ideas and stories and by writing, they become a less tangled mess in my head. My hope is also that this blog will inspire, maybe answer some questions for you, and I hope your current and future love life will be better as a result. That is why I write, I have a messy head full of thoughts and because I truly believe that by sharing it may be of help.

Relationship advice to me and my coworker – he is simply not that into you

While I was sitting and crushing some numbers in an excel sheet at work, one of my female coworkers asked if we would talk. She asked for feedback on the behavior of a man whom she had started dating via an online dating app. He was giving her mixed messages—she was confused. I was more than happy to pitch in and pick apart all the signs and signals of his actions. And just like on any other day, after much analysis and debate, we winded up the fact that she was fabulous, he must be scared, he’s never met a woman as great as her, he is intimidated, and she should just give him time. But on this day, we also had lunch with a guy in the office. We told the story to the guy to, and he listened attentively (wow, a guy who lisens, yes he is actually a great guy, but also happily married). When we finished our rant, he simply stated: “Listen, it sounds like he’s just not that into you.” My female coworker and I where appalled, horrified and above all, intrigued. He may actually be saying the truth. A truth that we, in our combined dating experience, thousands of thought of analysis of men had never considered, and definitely never considered saying out loud. To be so blunt when I started thinking about it, all past experiences were I had difficulty understanding a man behavior and being confused. I always had excuses for all these men, from a heavy workload, trauma in childhood, not being over his past relationship to broken dialing fingers.

Truth – He’s just not that into you

The truth is, and it has taken me long to understand this, and i will probably sometimes use excuses again to just to feel better. Is that if a good man really likes you, there is nothing that will going to get in his way. When men are into you, he will let you know it. He, shows up, he calls, he wants to learn about your life, meet your friends and he cannot keep his hands off of you. And if he is not such a good guy why should you actually want to invest more time and energy in him? All these years from the first time I became interested in boys at age 7 and a half, I have been complaining about boy, guys, men and dudes in all forms and shapes and their mixed signals. They are not mixed signal at all. I am the one that is mixed up. Because the fact is, these guys had simply not been that into me.

At first, admiringly this “Aha” moment was demoralizing. Yet, to be really honest the opposite is true. Knowelge is power, and more importantly knowing saves us a lot of time wasted thinking about excuses. Time we could have spent by for example being more creative (read this post about increasing your creativity). By just accepting that a guy is not that into you, will spare us hours and hours waiting for a text message, stalking, obsessing with my friends and most of all feeling insecure. We need to remember that actually we are smart, beautiful and funny women who have a lot to give. Yes we have flaws, get grumpy during our periods and do have a disadvantage if we are well-educated, the male deficit were educated men in our modern times are fewer than women. Nonetheless, we should not be waisting our time figure out why a man is not into us. It is hard, we have been hardwired that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, be positive and be optimistic. Not in the case of men that are not into you. In this case, be realistic, assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception.

This rule, look on the dark side is actually liberating, but not an easy concept. Because, we are humans and humans like rutine and doing what we know. So we women go out with a guy, we get hyped maybe develop feelings fairly quickly, and then the guy does something that is disappointing. Well, and then they will probably keep doing more thing that are discouraging. So we go back to our normal rutine and go into hyper-excuse mode, because the last thing we wan to think is that this “great” guy we had such high hopes for is in the process of turning into “mr. Not so ok”, or even worse a complete idiot. We come up with all sorts of ideas why the complete idiot is not texting us back or asking us out on a second date. Perhaps his mum died, his phone broke, you name it…. No matter how bizarre then the one explanation that is with high probability the truth: He’s just not that into me. And the fact is, and this is good news, wasting time over the wrong guy is just time wasted. That precious time, you could and should have spent moving on and finding Mr Right.

Men and women are equal – we are just human after all

Men are actually not that complicated, although we think they are and they like us to think they are. Men are equally as complicated as us women, we are after all human. Take this as an example if you a female was not into a guy, sadly we would rather come up with a lame excuse like “I am not ready for a relationship” or “I do not have time, I got a ton of shit going on.” Than simply state “You are not the guy I am looking for.”/”You are not the one.” Frankly we humans are quite pathetic, but the fact remains even though we may not be saying it we are showing it all the time if a person is not right for you. So stop making excuses for yourself and guys – move on, don’t wast any more of your precious time. Everyone deserves a great relationship, so I repeat one final time, if a guy or girl is giving out mixed signals – they are just not that into you, and don’t wast more time.

Life is a lifelong exercise to get your emotions and commonsense to accept and be able to bare the sight of one another.